The Middle Earth Travel Agency
by Mercuria
Summary: A scheme to teach fangirls about the REAL geography of Middle-earth is hatched. Will they survive? Does it matter?


Mercuria: The Middle-earth Travel Agency! Taking Mary Sues everywhere they'd rather not be! Okay, I know I should be doing other stuff ... but this just hit me.  
Disclaimer: This idea was inspired in part by OFUM, the brainchild of Miss Cam, may her pen never run dry. Lord of the Rings belongs to Tolkien, who is Eru.  
  
Dedicated to Thalia, to whom I wish the best of luck on Saturday the eighth of February in her performance.  
*********  
  
Jennifer sat at her computer, dreamily typing up her most brilliant work yet- an Aragorn/Legolas slash story in which Legolas was raped by Faramir and blackmailed and Aragorn heroically prevented the handsome Elf from killing himself.   
"This is my most brilliant work yet!" Jennifer cried, who despite being a "writer" was not terribly creative and thus ripped off the narrator every chance she got.  
"Now let's see ..." she said, chewing on a strand of hair. "What was that guy's name again ... the one with the sister ... from Gohan or something ...?"  
Outside Jennifer's window were a young woman dressed in strange clothes and a man who appeared to be radiating light. Jennifer, in her slash-induced state of ecstasy, did not notice.  
"Um, my lord ..." the woman said, "why are you ... glowing?"  
Manwe looked at Mercuria disdainfully.  
"I am perfecting a ... the people of your land call it a 'look', I believe?"  
Mercuria Stardust blinked and looked vaguely uncomfortable. The powerful Vala had taken to modern Earth a little TOO well.  
"Um, yes, my lord ..." she replied. "Now, you know I need a portal. Lady Varda's in on this too, right?"  
Manwe nodded the affirmative.  
"She will supply the necessary transportation. Now ..." The deity smirked. "Please go forth and educate the fanwriter."  
Mercuria bowed.   
"Your command is my wish," she assured Manwe before teleporting into Jennifer's room.  
Actually, she snuck in through the window, but Jennifer's observational skills were so poor that the strange blue-haired woman seemed to materialize before her.  
"AGH!!!!!" she cried in alarm. "Who the hell are you?!?!"  
Mercuria inwardly cringed at the girl's copious punctuation marks, but plastered a perky smile on her face and said, "Hi there! I am Mercuria Stardust of the Middle-earth Travel Agency!"  
"The WHAT?"   
"You look like an intelligent young lady!" Mercuria continued as if Jennifer had not spoken. "How would you like to come on an all-expense paid trip to Middle-earth, land of mystery, enchantment, and yes, 'hott elf-bois'? The trip is three days and three nights trekking across the beautiful terrain of Tolkien's wonderful world!"  
The portal that Manwe had promised appeared. It wasn't really fancy, as far as portals went, but appeared to be fully functional.  
Jennifer blinked. She was busy trying to decipher what Mercuria had said.   
"Wait ..." she said. "What are you trying to say here?"  
Mercuria sighed.  
"You. Portal. Middle-earth. Now."  
Jennifer appeared to be thinking. Mercuria didn't have all that much respect for the girl's intelligence, so she seriously doubted that she actually WAS thinking. Her face was certainly scrunched up in a manner that implied deep thought, but it could have been confusion. At any rate, she looked at Mercuria, smiled, and said, "Beam me up, Scotty!"  
Mercuria winced.  
"Right," she said, trying to remain cheerful. "So if you'll kindly step this way, you'll meet your traveling companions on the other side of this portal. Middle-earthTravelAgencyisnotresponsibleforanyinjuriesinconveniencesandordeathsyoumaysustainwhileonthetripdescribed. NoexchangescancellationsorrefundsinEruwetrust."  
Jennifer blinked.  
"What?" she said. "Could you repeat tha-AAAAAAA!"  
Mercuria innocently bumped Jennifer with her hip, causing the unfortunate fangirl to fall into the portal and plummet through the bright blue sky of Middle-earth on the other side.  
*************  
Jennifer had little time to admire the bright blue sky of Middle-earth, being as the cold hard ground of Middle-earth quickly met her with a decisive thump.  
"Owww," she moaned, sitting up. Three other girls who seemed to be around her age were watching her in fascination.  
"Who the hell are YOU!?!?" Jennifer asked in a friendly manner.  
The three girls looked up to the cloudless sky and slowly brought their heads down, as if mentally retracing Jennifer's vertical journey.  
"Hi!" said one of them finally. "I'm Constance, but most people just call me Connie!"  
Jennifer waved slowly. The second girl stood still for a moment, gazing off into space, but at a jab in the ribs from Connie she bowed quickly and began her introduction.  
"My name is Sandra, but I prefer Mikomi. My blood type is A!"  
"She likes anime," Connie whispered loudly. Jennifer nodded sagely.  
The last of the three looked up at the sky, towards the ominous mountains to the east, and finally to the ground.  
"Um, who is SHE?" Jennifer asked.  
Connie and Sandra-Mikomi shrugged.  
"We don't know," Connie admitted. "She doesn't t-"  
"Her name," came a voice, "is Elaine Burroughs. Writer of Legomance and Ent/Elf fics ... and don't you deny it!"  
The four girls turned around to see Mercuria standing quite close to them. Jennifer wondered in the back of her mind if she shouldn't start looking over her shoulder more often.  
"Oh, Miss Stardust!" Sandra-Mikomi said with a bow. "Hello!"  
Mercuria waved back with narrowed eyes. The child who wanted to be Japanese had a bad habit of writing Cardcaptor Sakura/Lord of the Rings crossovers. Then, putting on her omnipresent cheerful grin, she addressed the girls.  
"Everyone, meet your traveling companions. For the duration of this trip, these will be your only human contacts ... with the exception of myself."  
Mercuria's smile vanished for a moment to be replaced by what could only be described as a vindictive smirk. This subtle change in expression was lost on the four fangirls, so Mercuria sighed and continued.  
"It is the hope of the Middle-earth Travel Agency to make sure that you all experience the true beauty of Middle-earth ... we hope you ... enjoy ... your journey."  
"Okay, okay," Jennifer said impatiently, "so when do we get to the Elves?"  
Mercuria smiled indulgently.  
"Soon, dear, soon. We go by way of Emyn Muil, but it shouldn't take long."  
The four girls exchanged looks. None of them had the slightest idea what Emyn Muil WAS.  
"Well, follow me!" Mercuria said in a chipper voice, starting to walk away. The fangirls scrambled after her.  
"Do you guys remember THAT from the books?" Sandra-Mikomi whispered.  
Jennifer blinked.  
"There are ... books?" she whispered back.  
Sandra-Mikomi nodded.  
"It's okay," Connie said reassuringly. "Before I read the abridged version online, I didn't know either."  
Elaine nodded in agreement. Or approval. Or something.  
"Anyway, I wonder if Emyn Muil is pretty," Sandra-Mikomi mused.  
"It's gotta be!" Connie said. "It has a pretty name!"  
"True," said Jennifer. "I guess we'll see."  
Realizing that they had fallen behind Mercuria once again, the four dashed after her.  
And thus, the fangirls began their journey through Middle-earth, happily ignorant of where their cheerful guide was leading them. But ignorance is a foul thing. What horrors await our canonically challenged heroines? Only time will tell.  
  
****************  
Mercuria: Okay, how was that? Suggestions, comments, flames, insults, praise, bagels? *deranged Review Slut mode* If you don't review, I'll- I'll hold MYSELF hostage! Mwahahahaha! Um, just a joke, kiddies, never fear. I'll probably write more whether it is advisable or not. 


End file.
